raw emotions on a raw deal

Today I had to swallow down a raw deal; no gagging it up, no jamming a finger down my throat, just clinching my eyes and waiting for the lump to drop into my stomach. And when it hit my stomach it was heavy and it was the kind of heavy that keeps on falling and is so vast that it obliterates everything into vacancy, ultimately leaving me unable to register any emotional reaction from it. This was shock, and I was phlegmatic when I was supposed to be punching walls and inventing new swear words in a primordial rage.

And it was this shock, this vacancy, which has now been partially filled with pride that helped me to overcome my explosive rage. However, the pride is only a partial feeling. The other portion of vacancy has been filled with disclosure invoking a retrospect that I should have released a rage.
And now I find myself asking is this a sign of myself maturing? Or is it a sign that I am becoming more passive aggressive, where I am repressing my emotions until one day I explode into an even more volatile rage? I would like to think its maturity. But the disclosure is indicative of the passive aggressiveness. If it were maturity, true maturity, there would be no feeling of unresolved emotions, because true maturity would have already resolved the emotions. So the shock must have only equivocated the emotions.

Now that I think more about the raw deal, the more my testosterone starts to bubble. Now that I think about how I may fail a test --that I know I would have gotten an ‘A’ on--because I didn’t turn in the blank question sheet. Now that I just wrote that I want to slam the screen part of my lab top against the side of the table and yell “fuck” as loud and as long as I can until my vocal chords start to throb in pain. But I know that would be silly, so I am going to handle the matter like I should: talk with the teacher, admit my mistake, but ask her a second chance; implore redemption. However, if redemption fails, my true test of character will be how I react or cope in the absence of redemption.